4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
