I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
