You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
