i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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