The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
