If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
