I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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