tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
