Swine flu. Run for my life!
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
