this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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