She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize