When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
