i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
