Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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