I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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