I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
