Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
