i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
