im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
