Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
