theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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