Moan for me like Helen Keller
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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