the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
