official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
