I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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