I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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