I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
