Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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