it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
