I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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