First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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