well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
