my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
