I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
