i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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