I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
