I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
