Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
