Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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