Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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