I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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