Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
