you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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