My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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