I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
