I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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