I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
