There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
