just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
