If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
