I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
