just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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