You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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