one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my being single is dangerous.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
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