you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
