your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
