my phone needs a breathalizer
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
