the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
