How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize