Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
