i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
