at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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