Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
