ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
