The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
