I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Is Oprah even human
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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