guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
